


When I'm Reborn

by Pineau_noir



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: Canon Divergence - Captain America: The First Avenger, Established Relationship, F/F, F/M, Het, Project Rebirth, Sexual Content, Steve is a woman named Stevie, anti-draft, ask her about her feminist agenda, smol Stevie Rogers, thoughts about US History
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-21
Updated: 2019-06-23
Packaged: 2020-05-16 02:22:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 20,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19308697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pineau_noir/pseuds/Pineau_noir
Summary: Stevie Rogers Barnes was always too small, toofemaleto make a difference in the United States during WWII. After meeting Peggy Carter and Dr. Abraham Erskine of the Strategic Scientific Reserve, she changes. Her body might be big and strong, but her values are the same. Called to fight Hydra, the mystical scientific branch of the Nazis, she witnesses things that seem ripped out of the pulps she loves to read.But when she loses everything, she must decide if being a hero is worth the cost.





	1. Change is Gonna Come

**Author's Note:**

  * For [esaael](https://archiveofourown.org/users/esaael/gifts).



> There are so many people to thank for this fic. First and foremost, [Esaael](https://archiveofourown.org/users/esaael/pseuds/esaael) who created the gorgeous art that prompted this story. Second, the mods of the Captain America RBB for all of their time and energy dedicated to running this bang. Third, my beta reader [Halbereth](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Halbereth/pseuds/Halbereth) who _always_ makes sure things makes sense, is so incredibly supportive, and is such a talented writer, sometimes I can't breathe. And finally to my band of fandom siblings, [Mortenavida](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mortenavida/pseuds/mortenavida), [Sable](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sirsable/pseuds/sirsable), and [Coldwinterrose](https://archiveofourown.org/users/coldwinterrose/pseuds/coldwinterrose) for making sure I didn't think I was a terrible writer all the time and being exactly as silly as I am and screeching about dumb stuff.

_His turgid manhood throbbed. He looked down at Susan, her heavy, pillowy breasts heaving. His eyes raked down her sinuous body, from her sable locks, artlessly spread over his bone-white silk pillowcase, to her dusky nipples, erect from desire, to the dark locks that covered her most treasured secret, glistening in the candle light. Edward could almost smell the luxurious, musky scent of her arousal, thick in the air. He let out a primitive growl which caused goosebumps to cover her alabaster skin. Her blood red lips dropped in response and she breathlessly stuttered out his name._

_“— Edward…”_

“What rot!” Stevie shouted as she threw her book on the ground. Bucky just laughed at her and she got more incensed. “Really, Buck? I thought this was going to be an adventure in space but instead I get ‘turgid manhood’ and ‘treasured secret’!”

Bucky only laughed harder, eventually rolling off the sofa and onto the floor. Stevie had no sympathy for him; he deserved a lump or two for being so amused at her pain. Because reading that _had_ been painful. 

“Don’t be so sore at me, Stevie Grace. You’re just so cute when you get all fired up. Your cheeks get all pink and you look like—”

“James Buchanan Barnes. Do not finish that sentence. I’ll tell your ma.” Bucky winked at her and smiled, as she had hoped. He was an oaf sometimes but he was _her_ oaf. They had been sweet on each other during their school years and had married as soon as Stevie graduated high school. 

“Aw, baby, don’t tell my ma. I would much rather you were the one doling out licks. Why, you could lick me me just about anywhere and I’d be happy.” He smirked, looking like butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth. Stevie just rolled her eyes and let out a deep sigh.

“You’re ridiculous. Just like that damned book,” she said, trying to keep back her smile. “I just want…” She trailed off, not sure exactly what she wanted. Entertaining books for one. For the war not to be on, or Bucky not to be leaving the next day, for the ability to carry a child, for a stronger body. _For, for, for,_ her mind supplied. If she was going to wish for good health, she needed to be in one of the pulps she and Bucky loved to read. Though she thought his interest in the pulps had more to do with the chesty women on the covers and less to do with his interest in faraway planets and new ideas about science. 

Bucky’s teasing grin fell and he rolled over, finally getting up off the floor. He walked over to her and pulled her up and into a hug, gently kissing the top of her head. “I know. I want that too.”

She elbowed him, gently, in the side and broke free from his embrace. “C’mon, Buck. Let’s think about happier things. At least right now. There’s going to be plenty of time for us to be sad next week. We’ve got the Stark Expo tonight. Bonnie and Connie are going to need dance partners.” Ignoring Bucky’s groan, Stevie continued, “and I want to see if Stark let the US government infringe on his fair.”

Bucky groaned again. “You mean you want to stir up trouble,” he said flatly.

Stevie shook her head. “No! I’m not going to cause trouble!” She faked a cough. “I’m just a poor little girl who don’t know how the world works, mister. Plus I’ve got breathing problems. I just wanna make sure my husband is gonna be safe fightin’ Nazis.” She had let her voice go all raspy and low and fluttered her eyelashes. 

“Stephanie Grace Rogers Barnes. You are not going to go and cause trouble.” Bucky’s voice was stern in his anger. His brows furrowed as his mouth set into a frown. “It’s my last night. Can we not have this fight again?”

Stevie slumped, her good mood gone. Biting her lip to keep back the tears she didn’t want to fall, she nodded. She had no problem using tears to get what she wanted, but a miserable Bucky was not what she had planned. 

Everybody had thought big, strapping Bucky Barnes could do a lot better than sickly, skinny Stevie Rogers, but he insisted they belonged together. Most people saw her, five foot nothing, straw blonde hair, big blue eyes and wanted to either shut her away in a sanitarium for her health or treat her like a porcelain doll and keep her away from all the danger in the world. But Bucky had seen beneath the surface, beyond her frail exterior and recognized the spark she had. On a bad day, Stevie called herself cunning. On a good day she realized that she had to use the weapons in her arsenal to get what she wanted. She was thankful that Bucky liked her for who she was in addition to how she looked. She knew several of her friends whose husbands didn’t care for their wife’s opinions, they only wanted dinner on the table and the newspaper for intellectual stimulation. Stevie felt lucky everyday that Bucky had chosen her as his wife. 

And respecting Bucky’s feelings as he respected hers was something she tried to honor. She still planned on trying to stir something up, but she would try and do it when Bucky wasn’t around. What he didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him, she reasoned to herself. 

She put on her best smile and settled back down into the kitchen chair. “You’re right, Buck. I’m sorry.” She pulled her legs up on the chair, feet on the seat, arms wrapped around and head resting on her knees. 

“Aw, Stevie. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap. It’s just—”

“I know. I am too,” she said, not wanting to rehash the scary conversation of what-if’s when Bucky was gone. There was a list as long as she was tall of bad things that could happen to either one of them. And tonight, Bucky’s last night in the states, what could possibly be their last night together, their _last_ last night, was not the time to sass her husband. She gave him a small smile, head still on her knees. 

“C’mon, let’s get cleaned up and go dancin,’” Bucky said with a gentle smile. “I don’t care how many times you step on my toes, I want a dance with you.”

——

The Stark Expo was at once nothing like Stevie had imagined and exactly like she had imagined. There were so many gadgets that seemed ripped from the pulps she and Bucky liked to read. They saw was what was supposed to be a flying car, that _did_ technically fly but then, amidst all the fanfare, crashed back down to the ground. Stevie felt a little bit of empathy for Stark at that. He seemed so proud of his invention, his creation, and it let him down. Steve often felt that way about herself. She was happy with her life, but she couldn’t imagine her Ma had planned on having such a sick, frail daughter when she had first been born. They were on the outskirts of the dance floor, Bucky’s arm around her shoulders, when she leaned into Bucky’s arm and let out a small sigh.

“Hey, doll,” he murmured. “None of that. A quick dance?”

“When the music is slow, Buck,” she countered. He nodded and squeezed his arm around her in a half hug.

“Sure.”

Finally a slow, sad song began to play and he gathered Stevie in his arms. She was a _terrible_ dancer, true, but being held by Bucky was the one time she relished being small. It happened the most after they had finished having sex; he would gather her to his chest and cover her face with tiny kisses, but sometimes he would embrace her in their tiny kitchen and he would start to sway to some song only he could hear. Somehow Bucky knew all the words to the sappy songs so she was treated to his raspy singing as they swayed in place, surrounded by the other couples. Bucky was in his Army greens, as were about half the men, and Stevie nuzzled into his chest, taking a few deep breaths.

“Can’t believe you’re leaving in the morning,” she whispered. He made a noise deep in his chest that she could feel more than hear. Tipping her head up, Bucky gave her a chaste kiss and pulled her in, even closer. 

“It’s gonna be fine, Stevie,” he mumbled. “ _We’re_ gonna be fine. We’ve weathered enough shit through the years that we’re due a happy ending.” After a few more moments of swaying the song ended and a faster tempoed song started. Stevie pulled away and led Bucky back to the side of the dance floor.

“Gotta visit the ladies’,” she told him. “Go find somebody who can actually do the Lindy with you. I’ll be back before the song is over, huh?” Bucky gave her his signature Barnes grin but it was slightly dampened by the mood they had created with their dance.

“Don’t stray too long, huh?”

“Sure, Buck. Just gotta powder my nose. I’ll be back before you miss me.” Turning she made her way through the crowd, able to slip through the spaces that were too small for most people to attempt. Then, turning left instead of right, she made her way to the Army Recruitment tent, bypassing the restroom. She drew herself up to her maximum height, a paltry five foot one, and walked in, only to see Bucky waiting for her. 

“Really?” he asked in a dry voice. “I think you got lost. Last I checked this wasn’t the ladies’.”

Stevie hesitated. She was ashamed Bucky discovered her lie. She wasn’t ashamed she was attempting to shout at the officials in the tent. But her heart hurt at the look of betrayal on Bucky’s face. Biting her lip, she looked down at her feet. “Sorry, Buck. You know I can’t just— “

“But why can’t you Stevie? Everybody else—” he waved his arms at the other people in the tent who seemed to be happy, to accept that they were signing up for _war_. “Everybody else…” he said again. “They’re all _fine_ with everything. They don’t have to show off their goddamned spite at the— “

“At the government who is drafting men into service? It’s unconscionable that they’ll take people against their will but won’t allow women to volunteer! I can fight as well as the next—”

“With your bum heart and weak lungs? I love you, sweetheart, I always have, but you’ve got to see it as well as I do.” Bucky’s voice was low, a stark contrast to Stevie’s near shout. “You can help out here but you’re just not capable of the hard physical labor. Plus, I need you here. I need you _home_. I can’t imagine fighting overseas and not knowing you’re here, waiting for me. Safe with Becca. If I can’t be here to stop your schemes, she and Ma will keep you in line.” Stevie rolled her eyes at the idea of having her mother and sister-in-law watching her like a small child. But Bucky’s tone had Stevie peeking up. She had to look down again right away; she had never seen such a sad look on Bucky’s face. Bucky let out a big sigh and Stevie walked to him letting him gather her in his arms.

“‘M sorry, Buck. It’s just no fair,” she whispered.

“You know better than most, sweetheart, life ain’t fair. ‘Specially when you’re dirt poor.” Stevie took a deep, broken breath and rubbed her face and the tears she didn’t want to admit against Bucky’s chest. 

“I didn’t want to fight,” she whispered. “Not with you, anyway.”

Bucky laughed wetly. “I know, Stevie. Can we go home? I just want to be with you tonight.”

“Sure. I really do need to go to the ladies’ now, though.” Bucky huffed out a small laugh. “Promise, Buck. I’ll go and then we can head home.”

“I’ll wait for you at the entrance. No fights, Stevie. I’m serious.”

She finally smiled at him. “No fights. I promise.” Stevie watched as Bucky left, taking a few deep breaths. The guilt was there, sure. But she knew she was doing the right thing. The damned draft was just _wrong_. The country had waited and waited, not wanting to join in the fight against the atrocities happening in Europe but once American territory was bombed, suddenly the government was very interested in fighting. Staying isolated and rebuilding the economy had always been a more important goal for Congress and the President. Stevie wanted to rail against those in charge and ask them why the United States couldn’t do both. Didn't the Bible say _Learn to do right; seek justice. Defend the oppressed._

Stevie didn't put much stock in formal religion. Her health problems, growing up poor and Irish, and labeled “other” by the majority of Protestant America inured her to the hypocrisy that could run rampant in organized religion. But she still had the spark of Catholicism in her soul. She still wanted to love her neighbor, wanted to help the unfortunate, wanted to believe in something bigger than her, something bigger than the world in which she lived. Bucky didn't give it much thought. His parents were Catholic so he was too. Stevie didn't think poorly of him for his faith. She wished she had the easy acceptance and confidence in a higher power. 

Stevie shook off the maudlin thoughts and started towards the restroom. Before she could even leave the tent, she was stopped by a young woman and an older man.

“I couldn't help but overhear your row,” the woman said in a British accent. “I know eavesdropping is horribly rude, but I admire your spirit. I was wondering if—” 

“Agent Carter,” the man interrupted. He had an accent Stevie couldn't identify right away. “Peggy,” he whispered. “Are you quite certain?”

Peggy, Agent Carter, _whatever_ her name was, just smiled, and nodded, her curls bobbing slightly. “Yes, Abraham. I am sure.”

“I am Dr. Erskine and this is Agent Carter, of the SSR,” he started, obviously willing to accept Agent Carter's lead. Stevie raised her eyebrows; the number of “alphabet agencies” never failed to amuse her. But she had never heard of the SSR. The man, Dr. Erskine, extended his hand; in it was a card. “We have something that might interest you,” was all he said as she accepted it.

Stevie looked down at the card. On it was an address in Brooklyn and the words _Strategic Scientific Reserve_. Stevie tilted her head in confusion. “Science was never my strength in school,” she admitted. 

Agent Carter barked out a quick laugh. “Don't worry about that. But if you're interested in volunteering for the war effort, we don't discriminate based on gender.”

Stevie gawped at them. “I'll...I'll let you know,” she said in an unusually timid voice. Then she turned and quickly walked to the Expo entrance, to Bucky, to everything that made sense.

—— 

Bucky couldn't stop touching Stevie on the way home. He kept brushing stray hairs behind her ear, squeezing her hand, kissing her palm, her knuckles, her fingertips. She smiled and knew she had to be pink from their public display. No one seemed to mind. They must have seen their silver wedding bands and Bucky's uniform and known why they were so affectionate. 

Finally they got to their walk-up and were alone.

“Bucky, I'm sor—” Stevie started. Bucky cut her off with a kiss.

“Stevie, it's forgotten. Just be with me, please. It's my last night. I _need_ you.” She shut him up with an answering kiss.

They kissed and made their way to the bedroom that housed the double bed that only sometimes squeaked. Bucky drew off her dress and laid her down. His eyes were bright in the dark room. He pulled off his uniform and draped it over their one chair in the room, careful of wrinkles. Down to his briefs and undershirt, he joined Stevie on the bed and pulled her on top of him, settling her between his legs. Stevie rubbed her cheek against Bucky's chest before resting her ear over his heart, listening for its beat. 

“I love you, Stevie.”

Stevie could feel the way his words vibrated in his chest. She started to cry softly. They were alone; she could be vulnerable. “Love you too,” she whispered back.

Bucky rolled them over so he was now resting between her spread legs. He leaned down and captured her mouth in a slow kiss. They kissed and gasped into each other's mouths as they both became aroused. Stevie could feel Bucky start to get hard and a familiar tingling between her legs started. She gasped as Bucky leaned down a little to capture her nipple over her thin bra. He slipped the strap off and lowered the cups so her small breasts were free. He kissed and licked and sucked until the pale pink of her nipples had turned the color of over-ripe raspberries. He blew on one and smirked.

“You're so beautiful like this, Stevie Grace. So fucking beautiful under me.”

Stevie felt herself flush and she closed her eyes and smiled. With her eyes still closed, she felt Bucky map out a line of kisses from her sternum to her bellybutton. She opened them as she helped Bucky pull her panties down. Moved down further and breathed her in. Inexorably her mind flashed back to the pulp and she giggled a little. Bucky gave her a fond look and bowed her head over her curls like he was praying.

He spread her lips and licked up and down the sides, circling her clit. He repeated that pattern until she was gasping and grabbing the sheets under her. Finally he must have decided that she’d been tortured enough because he ran the flat of his tongue against her most sensitive spot. She cried out and he shushed her which made her whimper. A few more lazy licks and Stevie thrashed her head and climaxed. Bucky moved back up, wiping his mouth on the back of his hand and giving her a dirty kiss. She groaned at the sharp taste of herself, still on Bucky's lips.

Bucky rutted into the heat at her center and Stevie gasped at the feeling of his erection nudging at her folds. She felt hot and slick and sticky. Bucky lifted her left leg up around his middle until she was under him, open. He guided his cock over her wet heat and they both groaned as he bumped her sensitive clit with his cock. Stevie let out a small whimper as the head caught on the small bundle of nerves and she shivered when it dragged free.

“Bucky—” she gasped. “Don't tease.”

He nodded and tilted her hips up a little, wrapped her other leg around his hips, and sunk as deep into her as he could. This was something Stevie always loved. She and Bucky had always been close, first as friends and then as _more,_ but she had never had this closeness with anyone else. Bucky had fooled around with a few girls but they had only ever been with each other like _this_. She didn't put much effort into thinking about the value of someone's virginity but in this case, with Bucky, she was fiercely territorial and glad he had only been inside her.

While her thoughts moseyed about the complete unimportance of sexual purity, Bucky started to move his hips in small circles. Stevie groaned as he hit the spot inside of her that made her gasp. She curled up so she could kiss him while his hips kept up the maddening rhythm.

“Looked like you were lost in thought, sweetheart.”

Stevie groaned. “Just thinking 'bout us,” she admitted. “Glad we have this.”

Bucky smiled down at her and kept up with the small circles of his hips, but somehow managed to thrust harder. “I'm glad we've got it, too.” Suddenly, as if a switch had been thrown, he stopped with the maddening swivels and started thrusting in earnest. Stevie felt pressure, deep inside her, and she moved her hand down to rub at her folds, teasing herself externally as Bucky stimulated her internally. He must have noticed her pinched expression because he moved his arm up and pinched a nipple, _hard,_ and Stevie was in outer space. All of her consciousness was focused on the sensations between her thighs and her vision went white. She gasped out Bucky's name as she came and barely noticed his ragged breathing as he reached his orgasm as well. She did, however, notice when he flopped down on her, crushing her and nuzzling at her hair.

“Bucky!” She was indignant. “Your ass is too heavy to do this!” she squeaked, flailing her limbs from under her heavy husband.

He rolled over, slowly and leered at her. “Didn't quite get you nekkid, Stevie.”

Stevie felt herself blush, inexplicably, at his crude words. They had just fucked and she was blushing at the fact that she still had her bra on. Bucky laughed at her and she slugged him in the arm.

“Not very gentlemanly, James Buchanan,” she responded in her driest voice.

“When have you ever known me to be a gentleman, Stephanie Barnes?”

Stevie felt her nose wrinkle. “Buck,” she whined. 

“OK, OK.” He lifted up and kissed the shoulder that had been against his. “ _Stevie,_ ” he amended. “You knew from the beginning I was no gentleman.”

“Yeah, but I'm no prim and proper lady, neither,” Stevie added as she kissed him back.

“'S why we work.”

Stevie just nodded and let herself be squashed against her husband as he pulled her into a horizontal hug.

—— 

It took the better part of a week for Stevie to feel enough like herself to be curious about the card she had received at the Expo. But once she had gotten over the initial loss of Bucky, her curiosity, in true Stevie manner, refused to be ignored. She found herself outside an office building that had seen better days. The windows had giant cracks in them, the door was at an angle, paint peeling, and there was just a general sense of disuse and neglect. She checked the card against the number on the door and, gathering her strength, walked in.

An old woman was sitting at the desk. “And who are you?” she barked out. 

“I’m—“ Stevie shook her head, with the realization that she must be the victim of an elaborate prank. “I was given this card by an Agent Carter?” She shoved the card at the woman, waiting to be laughed at. Instead she was surprised at the look that crossed her face. 

“So you’re one of Peggy’s, huh?” The woman sat up straighter in the chair and her eyes seemed to clear. She suddenly looked a decade younger. “Let me get your name and I’ll show you to her.”

At the woman’s expectant gaze Stevie stuttered out her name. 

“OK, Stephanie—”

“Stevie, please.”

“OK, Stevie. If you’ll follow me.” The woman turned and led her down a dirty hall into an elevator. “Press the basement button,” she instructed as she shut the elevators accordion door. Stevie felt a little better about the circumstances when she saw the state of the elevator. Instead of being as ramshackle as the rest of the building it was filled with gleaming bronze and clean wood paneling. Above the buttons, there was the same eagle logo that had been on the card that led her here.

“Thanks,” she spit out as the doors were finally closed and she heard the woman chuckle. The elevator started down in a gentle motion, the whole thing at odds with the derelict state of the office. Lost in her thoughts, she was startled when the chime rang, letting her know she had reached the basement. She pulled open the door and her eyes widened; she felt her heart stutter. Instead of a rundown office, there was everything she had read about in her science fiction pulps. There were gleaming silver tables covered in gadgets; huge round gauges that were measuring something Stevie couldn’t see, 

She saw a man with dark hair who looked vaguely familiar, walk around the corner into another area of the basement. Stevie openly gaped everything until Agent Carter walked up to her.

“Welcome to the SSR, Stevie,” she said gently. “If you will follow me, I’ll introduce you to the other recruits.” Stevie nodded, dumbly and let Agent Carter lead her to the back of the large room. They went through a door and down a hall, both gleaming and new, until they reached a long room filled with tables and people. She noticed, with a lot of interest, that there were men and women of all sizes eating at the tables. Not only were the body shapes diverse, the racial makeup was diverse. What stood out in her mind, was the knowledge that _none_ of the people assembled in the room, recruited by the SSR, would have been accepted into one of the branches of the military. 

“It’s quite a lot to take in, isn’t it?” Agent Carter murmured. “You do see what you all have in common though. I know you’re clever enough to make the connection.”

Stevie nodded, dumbly. “What is this place?” she whispered back.

Agent Carter smiled. “This is the SSR, my dear. We’re a group of unique individuals who are dedicated to trying to win the war.”

——

Stevie quickly learned that although none of the members of the SSR would be in the Army, they weren’t treated as though they wouldn’t cut it. They had been bused out to Camp Lehigh a few days after Stevie had signed the extensive paperwork required to join. In it was a paper that said she would be court martialed if she told anyone of the unit. She asked Agent Carter, Peggy now, about that and she had replied that only a certain few were able to recruit and talk about the SSR. There were only four people: Peggy, Dr. Erskine— the man who had been with Peggy at the Expo— a Colonel in the Army, and somebody who was unnamed but caused Peggy to smile and roll her eyes. 

“Sorry for the secrecy,” Dr. Erskine had explained after her talk with Peggy. “It’s just that what we are doing is of the utmost importance and must be kept secret from prying eyes and ears.” Stevie had nodded and wondered _again_ what exactly she had signed up for.

Still, her days were filled with runs, calisthenics, obstacle courses, sidearm training and, strangely, driving lessons. She liked that part of the day the best. She grew to be adept at navigating through the twists and turns on the track in both the Army Jeep and various motorcycles. Her nights were spent making tentative friends with her fellow recruits and missing Bucky. She wrote him letters of home, well aware that there were huge gaping chasms in the narrative. But she was also certain whatever he would experience abroad would never make in his letters either. In the month since she had been in New Jersey, she had sent two letters and got three back in return. All the letters were so _careful_ it broke her heart.

Finally, when things had settled into a routine and Stevie was stronger instead of sore, she was called to meet the mysterious Colonel.

“Peggy, Abraham, what the _hell_ are you trying to prove with this lot?” he growled. Stevie glared at him. He was big, loud, and brash, everything negative she associated with the military. “If we’re gonna take on Schmidt and his band of loonies, I need better than this.”

 _This_ was a group consisting of three other members and Stevie. They were all “othered” for one reason or another. Stevie, of course, had her health problems and small stature, along with being a woman. But Gabe was hearty, he just happened to be black. Jim, another hale man, was of Japanese descent, and Lorraine was a woman on the smaller side. Stevie had been proud to train with them all and didn’t appreciate Colonel Phillips’ tone. Before she could mouth off, Peggy spoke up.

“Colonel Phillips. You asked for our best. They are standing in front of you. I’m sorry that you feel they are lacking, but you have not been training with them. Dr. Erskine and I have been. And as the decision lies with us, they are who we recommend for the procedure.” Her voice was cold, clipped, the opposite of the warm, friendly tones she used while training. “If you want to fight Hydra” —Stevie wondered who that was— “then you will have to respect our choices.”

Colonel Phillips waved his hand and gave Peggy a wry grin. “Sure, Agent Carter. But when this fails spectacularly, I reserve the right to find my own recruits.”

“A bully will always be a bully.” Dr. Erskine’s voice was calm in the charged atmosphere. “You know this as well as anyone. But these four have been on the other side of that coin enough times to know how to fight for the little guy. They will not fail.”

Colonel Phillips shook his head. He looked at Stevie, Gabe, Jim, and Lorraine and grimaced. “We've got another hard day of training before we go back to the city. I suggest you try and rest while you can.”

——

Stevie woke up without much effort. No matter what Colonel Phillips might think, their group was used to waking up early and working hard all day. There was a somber mood between the four of them. Even Peggy seemed unusually stern. Only Dr. Erskine seemed animated, talking about this and that. He had come to Stevie, right after breakfast, to tell her a little about the procedure. He had developed a serum that would make her into a supersoldier. He had attempted it once before, under duress, to disastrous results.

“So why exactly are you doing this to us now?” Stevie asked, with a raised eyebrow.

Dr. Erskine was kind in explaining what had gone wrong with the first attempt. “The man who tried it the first time was neither kind nor brave. He tortured me until I finished, so safety was not my top concern. But he was mad and the serum only intensified that. The serum amplifies what is in a person, so the evil in his soul only grew. None of you are like him; this is why you and your group will be successful where Schmidt failed.”

Stevie mused about his words all day, even lying in bed that night. She was finally able to fall asleep but her sleep was broken and her dreams confusing. In one dream she was taller than Bucky, in another she was surrounded by ice. She woke the next morning and her eyes were red and sore from her restless night. On the bus back to the city, she noticed the others were deep in thought as well, and assumed they must have been briefed on Schmidt and the serum as well. She caught Lorraine's eye and they shared a small smile. Still her thoughts raced about Hydra; Peggy told them of the threat the mystical science branch of the Nazi party posed after being briefed on the procedure. Stevie knew she was doing the right thing, even if she knew it would upset Bucky.

They finally pulled into another alley in Brooklyn that looked rundown. Unlike the building where Stevie had first been introduced to the SSR, this one seemed to be some sort of a shop. Gabe smirked at Peggy, who just murmured “needs must,” before getting out of the car. She led them into a shop with a woman who was old enough to be Stevie's gran, sitting at the cash machine.

“Wonderful weather this morning, isn't it?” the woman asked.

“Yes, but I always carry an umbrella,” Peggy replied.

That must have been sort of a code because a hidden door opened and Peggy led them all to an elevator that was similar to the lab at the SSR headquarters.

No one spoke as the elevator descended. Finally Peggy cleared her throat. “I wish you all the best of luck. This isn't an easy thing the four of you are attempting and I admire you all.”

Stevie nodded. “Is it—” she let out a small cough— “is it gonna hurt?”

“More than a poke in the eye, I'm afraid,” Peggy said, clear apology in her voice. 

“That's fine,” Jim said gruffly. “We've all been shit on. If anybody can do it, it's us.”

Stevie let out the breath she hasn't realized she was holding. Jim was right, she thought. They had all been bullied for one reason or another. Stevie because, according to Bucky, she didn't know when to keep her mouth shut. Jim and Gabe, of course, because of the color of their skin, even Lorraine, who seemed “normal” had an _unnatural_ predilection preferring women to men. Stevie didn't see what was so unnatural about it, she figured people should be able to love who they wanted. 

Jim's declaration seemed to bolster them all and Peggy huffed out a small laugh. “You lot are going to be the best of us all,” she said gently.

They reached their destination; Stevie thought they must be several stories underground. The doors opened and they were greeted by Dr. Erskine, Colonel Phillips, and Howard Stark, of all people. 

“Come on, folks, this isn't a spectator sport,” Howard grumbled.

At everyone's confused looks, Howard said “Abraham made the serum. I made the oven to cook that serum. Things _should_ work better this way.”

Stevie saw Gabe mouth “cook?” and she bit her lip to keep the smile, the tears, all her feelings in. If Colonel Phillips hadn't been present, Stevie would have felt better about expressing emotion. As it was, she knew he disapproved of who had been picked for the initial experiment. Stevie sent up a prayer to a god she wasn’t sure she believed in, that Bucky wouldn't learn of her death in a sub-basement in Brooklyn, while he was fighting overseas.

“OK, we only have one go at this,” Howard announced. “You four" —he motioned to Stevie, Gabe, Jim, and Lorraine— “with me. Agent Carter, Colonel Phillips, make yourselves comfortable.”

Colonel Phillips gave Howard a curt nod, glared at the rest of them, then turned and headed somewhere else. Peggy shook their hands and murmured to them all in turn. When it was Stevie's turn, she whispered, “I'll be in the observation area. Everything is going to go well. Abraham is without equal and Howard, though he can be rude and crass, is the most brilliant inventor of the century. I believe in you and the team. I'll see you after the procedure, Stevie.” 

She turned and walked in the same direction Phillips had taken and Stevie finally had a chance to look at her surroundings. Like the first SSR lab, everything was shining and silver, covered in gauges measuring things Stevie couldn't imagine. There were men in white lab coats bustling along, scribbling on papers, setting up equipment. But in the center of the room there were four pods of gleaming brass and glass. They looked like an alien spaceship or a futuristic submarine. Finally Dr. Erskine walked up and gave them all a hopeful smile.

“I'm glad you're all here.” He had several pieces of beige cloth draped over his arm. He handed them out and Stevie realized it was some sort of shift for them to wear. “We are expecting some physical changes so this should be more comfortable.”

He led them to a screened off area, one for the men and one for the women. “Please return to the Vita-Ray machines when you are dressed.” Then he went back to the center of the room.

Stevie and Lorraine changed quickly. “Do you think I can still keep my bra on?” Lorraine asked with a smirk. “I don't know if Howard Stark is man enough for my breasts.”

Stevie giggled. “Too bad he doesn't have any of his own. You might make a cute couple.”

Lorraine laughed back. “I think if he was a woman, he would have been in jail or shot by now.”

Stevie nodded back. “Honestly, if he wasn't so rich, I think the same would be true.”

Gabe's voice rang out, startling them both. “We're ready over here, Dr. Erskine!”

Lorraine looked at Stevie and Stevie nodded. “We're ready too,” Lorraine replied. Stevie grabbed her hand, needing the touch to stay in the moment. She nodded at Stevie and squeezed her hand. “Everything’s gonna be fine.”

——

Gabe was first to get into his pod. “This must be what Sunday dinner feels like,” he joked.

Dr. Erskine smiled and motioned the other three over to the remaining pods. “We're probably gonna blow the electricity for the whole city for a minute, so I need this all to happen ASAP,” Howard snapped.

“Didn't you have a flying car that crashed back to earth?” Stevie retorted, scared and tired enough to not hold her tongue.

“Sure, but I put much more thought into this,” he responded. “Do you need a ladder to get in?” 

Stevie glared at him and made a rude gesture she had learned from Bucky's fellow dock workers. “You're no better than us,” she shouted at his retreating figure.

“Never said better! But I'm definitely smarter!”

As Stevie made a face at him, she realized she was the only one not in her pod. And Peggy was staring at her with a bemused expression. “I don't know who's worse,” she said, not unkindly. “But it is time, Stevie.”

“Thanks, Pegs,” Stevie murmured. She climbed into the Vita-Ray machine and got as comfortable as she could in the barely padded, cold metal interior.

“In a few moments, you will receive the injections of the serum.” Dr. Erskine's voice was quiet over the clatter of machinery and the general background noise. “Then the machines will begin. We cannot stop the process individually, so please, try and hold out as long as possible. Agent Carter, Mr. Stark, and I will all be here to assist after the procedure. If no one has any objections?”

There was complete silence for a few seconds. Stevie imagined she could hear the proverbial pin drop in that moment. Then Howard shouted “now we're cookin’ with gas!” and Stevie saw the contraption lower itself onto her arms. She couldn’t see all the needles that pierced her legs, her ribs, her neck, but the ones on her arms were more visible. It was the sight of all of them, as much as the pain from the dozens of injection sites, that made her feel a little woozy. Then she slammed her eyes shut because the light from the machine was close to blinding. She gritted her teeth.

Stevie had a brief moment of clarity before the pain hit. She wondered if this would be as painful as when she broke her arm when she was eight and was chasing off some boys who were tormenting a stray cat. She wondered if it would be as painful as when she was 18 and Bucky, fresh off work from his first job, proud as a peacock, borrowed the family car and rolled over her foot. She wondered if it would be as painful as her one and only trip into the county when she had been bucked off a horse; if it would be as painful as the year before when they had visited the doc who said her body wouldn't be able to safely carry a child and she had surgery to ensure it would never happen.

That one was more emotionally painful than physically. Not that _she_ was completely invested in the idea of procreation, but she did think a child with Bucky would be nice. The sadness in his face, though….

All of her musing was abruptly cut off when she started to feel her bones shift and lengthen; her muscles felt like they were burning, her lungs like they would explode out of her chest. She could feel her heart beating, strong, in her chest; she could hear herself shouting; she could hear someone shout "turn off the machine!" and she felt panic.

"I'm fine! I can do this!" she gasped out. Then, just as suddenly as everything started, it ended. A loss of pressure in the pod made her gasp and she stumbled out. Looking back at the machine, she was amazed to see it had shrunk. She looked at Howard and he too seemed to be shorter. Then Stevie was bowled over to realize that nothing had gotten smaller, but instead she had gotten _bigger_. 

Peggy walked over and gasped. "You're quite a bit taller now, Mrs. Barnes," she said with a smirk.

"Enough flirting, Pegs," Howard butt in, making Stevie roll her eyes. "We've got three other lab mice to examine."

Stevie looked around at Gabe, Jim, Lorraine. They all seemed mostly the same. Gabe was wincing and started to cover his ears while Jim was rubbing at his eyes. Lorraine shrugged her shoulders and rolled her neck and came over to Stevie.

“Aren’t you a long, cool drink of water on a hot day,” she smirked. Stevie felt herself blush. 

“I do seem to have had a drastic change,” she admitted as she looked Lorraine over for changes. She overheard Dr. Erskine, Peggy, and Howard murmuring about getting Jim and Gabe somewhere more comfortable. Gabe needed a more quiet environment while Jim needed a dark room while they got their new enhanced senses under control. Stevie relayed the information to Lorraine and raised her brows. “What about you?” she asked the other woman.

“I’m pretty sure I could lift all three of y’all at the same time,” she said. “I feel like my brothers after hay season, all muscle and no brains.”

“I’m sure your mental facilities are in working order,” Peggy interrupted. “Are there any accommodations you need from us?” Stevie and Lorraine shook their heads. 

Suddenly there was a commotion in the observation balcony and a shot rang out. Stevie whirled around to see Dr. Erskine on the floor and a dark haired man holding a gun. Stevie ran to the fallen man. He whispered “remember, for the little guy,” and Stevie took off in pursuit of the man who had shot Erskine. A race through the streets brought them to the East River where a small boy was taken hostage.

“Step back or I will throw him in,” the man growled.

“Don’t worry about me, ma’am! I know how to swim,” the boy said. Knowing he was comfortable in the water didn’t stop Stevie’s heart from dropping to her feet when the boy was flung, unceremoniously, in the water.

She ran to the edge of the dock and saw him swimming, smiling at her. “See! I’m fine! Go get that guy,” he added helpfully. Stevie bit back a smile and then a curse as the man dove into the water a few hundred feet down the dock. There water stilled and was calm until some sort of submersible started to surface. Stevie ran to where it was and jumped in. She had a brief worry that Bucky would want to tan her hide if he knew she was chasing unknown men in the streets of Brooklyn and then following them into the river. She chuckled to herself, partly knowing Bucky would never raise a hand to her and partly because after the _change_ she didn’t think Bucky would win any sort of scuffle. 

The water was bracing, stealing all of her brief humor. Stevie had never had proper swimming lessons but she had been to the seashore plenty of times with Bucky and knew her best bet was to keep her head above the water and kick like the devil was after her. Which she supposed, in this case, she was chasing after the devil instead of being the one chased. Her strategy seemed successful as she reached the ship. She didn’t even take a second to think about how her life had suddenly turned into the plot of a pulp. After everything she had experienced with the SSR, she had given up on being scared and impressed by the strange things. She had a mission and her mission was to bring in the man who had shot Dr. Erskine.

She grabbed the end of the sub and ripped the top part open and grabbed the man. Hauling them both up to the dock, she only had moments before he hissed out “hail Hydra,” and bit down on something that caused his mouth to foam and his breathing to stop.

——

After a long walk back to the facility, with some gentle scolding from Peggy, and some questioning looks from Lorraine, Gabe, and Jim, Stevie was faced with a disapproving look from Colonel Phillips. 

“What the hell am I supposed to do with the four of you now that Erskine is gone?” he growled. “I was supposed to have an army. Instead, the only one of you who even _looks_ affected is Stevie over here and Congress isn’t exactly going to let _her_ lead the charge in Europe.”

Stevie bristled and felt Peggy lay a gentle hand on her arm. “With all due respect, Colonel, they all went through the same process. Why Stevie had the most successful enhancements is beside the point.”

Colonel Phillips just grunted and waved his hands. “Carter, you and I both know they’re not what we promised Congress. I’m sorry but we’re going to have to call Project Rebirth a failure. The only good thing they’re good for right now is blood draws to try and reverse engineer the serum.”

Suddenly a voice Stevie didn’t recognize said, “actually Colonel, I might have a better idea."


	2. The Times They Are A-Changin'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stevie learns what her new body can do for the Army, a rescue is made, battles are won and lost.

Stevie couldn’t believe she had agreed to Senator Brandt’s idea. She rolled her eyes _yet again_ as she looked at her costume. The bright red boots, the violently blue pants, the top that was padded at the waist and shoulders to make her barely feminine form even more masculine. The cowl successfully covered her hair and she had spent several weeks with an acting coach to try and lower her voice so she could fool the general public.

“Nobody will want to throw money at the show if they know you're a girl,” Senator Brandt had explained. _After_ Stevie had agreed to do the show. If she had realized he was such a misogynist, she would have seriously reconsidered her part in the USO tour. As it was, she was trying to do something good and prove Brandt wrong; she was just as worthy as any man to be the public persona of the US Army. 

The one good thing about the whole venture was that she had actual, quantifiable proof that her time as a performing monkey was raising money for the troops. She might rage against the draft and the fact that the US joined too late, but she wanted to make sure the men on the fronts had everything they needed. It wasn’t _their_ fault they were fighting in another war. Still, it smarted that she was the only one from Rebirth who wasn’t abroad. Lorraine had agreed to secretarial work with the SSR. It wasn’t glamorous, but she felt like she was needed. Or at least that’s what she said in her letters.

Gabe and Jim were put in special units. _Segregated_ units. At least, Stevie thought to herself, it would help the men in those units. Because the whole idea of “separate but equal” was as untrue for the troops as it was untrue for the marginalized communities in the states. She shook her head. While she knew in her heart she was right, she also knew that at this particular moment, she had to get into character. “Captain America” was nothing like Stevie Rogers Barnes. 

Stevie heard the big news after the stop in Kansas— or was it Iowa? Honestly, Stevie couldn’t keep up with where they had been, where they were going, and where they currently were anymore. Especially in the midwest. Everything looked the same when the main attraction was corn fields. 

“We’re going to Europe to play for the troops!” Jenny squeaked out. Stevie liked Jenny. She was smart, brave, and didn’t treat Stevie any differently. Some of the other girls in the show thought Stevie was unnatural for dressing up like a man for the show. Jenny just saw Stevie’s role as Captain America as a job, just like the one the dancers did. They all had their part to play. 

Stevie smiled back at Jenny and let the other woman hug her in excitement. “I never thought I’d see anything past the Mississippi,” she said. “You know what it’s like where I’m from.” _Yeah, being born and raised in Alabama would be hard_ , Stevie thought to herself and nodded back at Jenny. “This is so exciting! I’ve seen so much from the tour but now we’re going to _Europe_! Maybe I can scandalize my folks and run off with a Frenchman with a pencil mustache.”

Stevie chuckled and winked at Jenny. “Why not aim even higher and find a nice Frenchman _and_ Frenchwoman?” Jenny’s smile turned a little evil. She and Stevie had talked, late at night on the tour bus, about attraction and sexuality. Stevie knew, of course, that some people were attracted to the same gender. She knew plenty of _spinsters_ who lived with their _cousins_ in Red Hook. And Bucky had gotten beaten up a few times because Stevie was defending men who loved other men. But Stevie had never heard of someone who liked both men and women. 

This led to several sleepless nights for Stevie. She knew she loved Bucky. She always had and always would. But the more she thought about her time with the SSR, the more she could admit to herself that she had developed a small crush on Peggy. Stevie knew she wasn’t going to act on it, but she couldn’t lie to herself and say it was just close friendship. 

She and Bucky had always been honest with each other. Stevie knew he would accept her no matter what. And honestly, Stevie thought Bucky would probably be just as smitten with Peggy Carter as she was.

—— 

Italy was cold and damp. Granted, Stevie knew very little about Italy, outside of the Vatican, but she thought it was supposed to be nice and sunny. Maybe that was the southern end of the country. But she and the girls— Stevie snorted to herself every time she had to introduce them as _the girls_ , because of course she was as much of a girl as they were— but she and the girls were working on trying to raise the spirits of the men in the European theater. It didn’t seem to be working, however.

“Bring back the girls!” one man shouted.

“Nice boots, Tinkerbell!” another shouted.

“Sign this!” a third man exclaimed as he dropped his pants and waggled his ass.

“And _this_!” This man also dropped his pants and shook his dick at the stage.

Stevie shook her head and pinched the bridge of her nose. “Really?” she mumbled. Jay, one of the other women in the chorus, ran up to the microphone.

“A round of applause for Captain America!” she shouted— then hissed, “Get the fuck off the stage, Stevie! We’ll take it from here.”

With a relieved sigh, Stevie walked off the stage. She looked for a dry place to rest. She had her pick of a wet rock, a soggy tree stump, or the wet stairs to a covered structure. There wasn’t an overt “keep out” sign in front of the entrance but Stevie had been a part of the Army for long enough to recognize she didn’t have the clearance to go into the covered part. Huffing out a sigh she walked over to the stump and gently lowered herself— only to have it crack and send her tumbling down the side. 

“Fuck this,” she grumbled. “I’ll sit on the damned stairs.” That choice meant that at least her head remained dry as she took in the camp. It had a much more somber air than the other bases she had visited on the tour. She heard the clack of heels and felt her body tense. Apparently she was going to be told off for sitting that close to important business.

“At ease,” an accented voice called out. “No one here but friends, Stevie darling.”

Stevie whirled her head around, shocked to see Peggy. “But— you’re— “

“Yes, well, we’re here now,” she said in lieu of an explanation. Stevie jumped to her feet. With Peggy on the second to top step, they were of an equal height. She grabbed Peggy into a damp hug. Something unseen pushed her and she stumbled into Peggy’s arms. Peggy laughed as she helped stabilize her.

“It’s so good to see you, Pegs.”

“And you as well, Stevie. You musn’t mind the crowd here. I’m afraid these men are what’s left of the 107th. They suffered a heavy loss and—”

Stevie interrupted, “the 107th? That’s Bucky’s—” She crashed back down to sit. 

“Oh, darling, I’m so sorry. I didn’t think. Colonel Phillips may know,” she said in a gentle voice.

“Do you mind asking?”

“I think in this case, you had better come in,” Peggy responded.

——

Not only was Bucky missing, captured, presumed dead, there was no apparent plan to try and rescue his unit. Stevie was incensed. She had made her displeasure known. Colonel Phillips had gone a red color and started bellowing about Stevie not being a soldier, not being anything but a trick pony and Stevie had stormed out.

She was trying to think of something to do; Stevie had never been one for inaction and this was literally life or death for these men. Men who included her husband, yes, but also men who, like Bucky, didn’t necessarily sign up to fight. It just wasn’t right. She clenched her fists and did her best to not punch things. With her increased strength, she didn’t know the damage she might do.

She was pacing around, grumbling to herself when Peggy found her, this time in the company of Howard Stark.

“What’s _he_ doing here?” she grumbled.

“Stark is one of the best civilian pilots I have ever met,” Peggy responded, in a clipped tone. “Were you planning on marching into occupied territory?”

Stevie’s eyes got big at that. She took a deep breath and shook her head. “I don’t really know what I was planning on doing,” she admitted. “I just needed to do _something_.” 

“Well, I think I can help you, Stevie,” Howard drawled. “I’ve even got you a gadget that will let me know where to pick you up.” He waved a weird silver box contraption around and gave her its mate.

“Sure,” she said skeptically. “I’ll just push this button?”

He tapped the side of his nose. “Got it in one.”

Peggy was rolling her eyes behind Howard’s back and Stevie let out a chuckle. “I guess, let’s do this?” she asked them. 

“Before you go—” Peggy waved a helmet with a white A on the front. “You’ll need something to cover your hair. Not only will your hair give you away as a woman, fighting with your hair down is right shit. And take this.” Peggy held out a shield. It looked like her prop shield but Stevie held it, she realized that it was actually made of metal instead of wood. It was heavier, but a definite improvement.

Stevie stared at them with raised brows. _Phillips is going to blow a fuse,_ Stevie mused. The thought made her grin. “Lead the way,” she said as Peggy and Howard matched her grin.

——

Though she had landed and made her way through Hydra troops, freeing prisoners, it wasn’t until she found Bucky (“I thought you were smaller,” he had said, and “they call you what?”) that Stevie felt like her feet were on the ground. He was in a small room, isolated from the rest of the prisoners and tied to a table. A subsequent fight with Johann Schmidt, the _Red Skull_ , a large explosion that destroyed the base, and they were suddenly left with a couple hundred men who were in various states of physical and mental health. Stevie was delighted to see Gabe and Jim among those who had been liberated.

Bucky seemed to recover more quickly than Stevie had imagined. “I dunno, doll. Maybe it’s your good health rubbing off on me.” 

Stevie felt herself blush. She was a little dismayed to find herself a good six inches or so taller than Bucky. They were watching the Hydra stronghold burn and trying to coordinate the trek back to the base. Stevie’s silver box had been smashed in the fight, leaving them no way to contact anyone in the Army or SSR. Bucky knew a man nicknamed Dum Dum, from his unit, and a Frenchman named Dernier, as well as a Brit they called Monty who had been in the same containment unit before Bucky had been taken off to the lab. With Jim and Gabe, Stevie felt like they might have a chance to get everyone to safety.

Thankfully, Gabe spoke French because Dernier didn’t speak much English and Stevie’s French was sorely lacking. But between the seven of them, they were able to come up with a plan. Stevie and Bucky would lead everyone on foot while the Gabe, Denier, Monty, and Dum Dum would transport the wounded in tanks and trucks, whatever they could figure out how to drive, and would follow behind. Jim had enhanced hearing and smell so he would be scouting ahead to try and find water. 

“This is likely to take a few days,” Monty pointed out.

Bucky sighed. “I know, but we don’t have any other choice. Stevie’s plan is sound. It’s by no means ideal but she’s—”

“ _She?_ Dum Dum exclaimed.

“Yeah, you got a problem with it?” Jim said, glaring at the other man.

“Hey, yeah, no, whatever you say,” he responded. Stevie bit back a smile at the scowls Jim, Gabe, and Bucky were sending his way. ”If she’s in charge, then that’s fine by me.”

“If we’ve got that sorted out,” Stevie said in the moment of silence that followed the small argument. “I think it’s time to try and load up the wounded. Jim, are you ready to scout? I’m sorry you’re going to have to do twice the work for us, but we have to find water somewhere.”

“Yeah, it’s no problem, Stevie. ‘S better than being stuck in a stuffy truck with guys who haven’t showered in a month,” he said with a wry grin.

“That is an excellent point,” Monty replied. “Still, we should start this sooner rather than later. Sweaty men won’t get any cleaner whilst we stand around chatting.”

Stevie could see Gabe bite back a smile as he translated for Dernier and the Frenchman shot a rude gesture to Monty.

“All right, everybody!” Bucky shouted. “Those who can help, _do_. Those who need help, ask. Anybody in the middle, come find me. We’ve got Captain America ready to lead us back to the Allied Camp. It’s gonna be a bitch of a trip so we better start now.”

Cheeks flushed, Stevie nodded to Bucky. “Thanks,” she said a little gruffly. Then “ _Captain America_? Really, Buck?”

——

On the second day, Jim found a stream. It was small, but it was clean and tasted fresh. They didn’t reach it until almost nightfall; Stevie had never seen anything more beautiful. Her stomach was still cramping from hunger, and she knew the prisoners had been fed much less than she had while she was on her USO tour. But water would go a long way to keeping everyone alive. They had lost three men on the first day and Stevie hoped to avoid losing any more. 

“Bathers, DOWNSTREAM,” Dum Dum bellowed as they started to spread out so they could drink the water. He shook his head and muttered “bunch of city folk don’t know their ass from their hands in the wild.”

Bucky started laughing and Stevie felt herself smile. “Let’s camp here for the night,” she suggested. “That way we have water tonight and tomorrow morning.”

“Yeah, sounds like a good plan. I’ll let everybody know,” he said, giving her a wink. “Plus you and I can take first watch and maybe have some time to talk about exactly what it is that you got yourself mixed up in when I went off to war. ‘Cause this don’t look like staying home safe for me.”

“Sorry—” she started.

“I’m not mad. But I ain’t exactly happy either.” Bucky let out a sigh. “We’ve got other shit to worry about right now though.”

Getting everyone to the stream was no small task. By the time everyone had their fill of water and a quick rinse, the sun had set. It wasn’t safe to light any fires so everyone settled in clumps. Stevie and Bucky did a lap around everyone before they started to talk.

“It was the right choice. I stand by what I did, Buck.” Stevie’s voice was quiet but firm. “We both know I wouldn’t have survived another harsh winter. Last year almost—”

“I don’t wanna talk about last year,” Bucky grumbled. “I’m not sayin’ I disagree with it, but I just don’t understand _what_ happened. When I left, you were 90 pounds and I could use your head like an arm rest when I stood next to you. Now you’re, fuck, how tall are you?”

“They said 6’3" when they were taking measurements for my uniform.”

“Jesus _fuck_ , hon. Do I even want to know how much you weigh?” Bucky was smiling as he teased.

“You know you’re not supposed to ever ask a woman her weight or age, James Buchanan. Your ma raised you better.” Stevie was starting to smile a little as well. Her stomach was still churning but she wasn’t as anxious about Bucky’s reaction as she had been when they started their walk. They walked in silence for another lap. Bucky stopped at a copse, the furthest point of their circuit.

“You know I love you, no matter if you look like you could blow away in a stiff breeze or if you look like you could punch a tank. You know this, right, Stevie?” There was a pleading tone to his voice. 

“I mean, I figured, but I was still worried.” She shook her head. “Not that it matters what you think of how I look! The only person who gets to weigh in on my looks is me.” 

Bucky let out a soft laugh. “Yeah I know. I learned that lesson a long time ago, doll. But what’s with this whole ‘Captain’ thing? And what the fuck are you wearing?”

At that, Stevie let out a slightly hysterical giggle. She turned and rested her face in Bucky’s shoulder to muffle the laughter. After she had calmed down, she checked the piles of men to make sure no one was looking and grabbed Bucky’s hand, giving it a quick squeeze. Aware of where they were and the fact that she didn’t know most of the men they had saved, she kept her affection to the one quick gesture. 

“So you remember that fight we had at the Stark Expo?” At Bucky’s nod she continued, “well, I joined the Army. And they did this to a couple of us and mine took better than theirs. Jim and Gabe—” she motioned to a pile where she thought they were resting— “they were there with me. And a woman named Lorraine. Nobody else had such as drastic change as me and after we had the procedure, Dr. Erskine, the man who created the serum was shot.”

“Erskine? Is he the guy that Schmidt was talking about when we were trying to get away?”

“Yeah, the same man. He’d been tortured by Schmidt and the serum Schmidt got injected with wasn’t quite right. Or at least, I think that’s the main reason he’s got a red face and no nose, and I don’t. But anyway, after he passed, the Colonel in charge basically said our only option was to be blood donors so they could try to recreate the serum. Senator Brandt offered me this instead.” Stevie motioned to her clothes, the big star on her chest, the shield she still carried, the blue helmet.

“It’s not what I thought I would be doing. But bond sales go up 10% in every state we visit. Plus I get to see the states. With my hair down and a dress, nobody connects Captain America to me. People gawk cause they haven’t seen somebody as big as me before. But it’s worth it. And it’s a hell of a lot more important than just waiting at home.”

Bucky scratched his ear as he thought. “I know why you did it. Hell, I would have gone to everything _with_ you if I’d been home. It’s just, what if you died—”

Stevie interrupted. “I didn’t. There’s no sense in focusing on the ‘what if’s’. What’s done is done and I don’t regret it.” She started walking again, a little stung.

“I’m sorry, Stevie!” Bucky’s voice followed her as she walked. Letting out a sigh, she stopped again and Bucky caught up to where she was standing. “I don’t wanna fight. But I’ve had about 30 hours to adjust to one of the biggest changes of our lives. I’m not meanin’ to be a jerk. But it’s a lot to take in.”

“I know.” Stevie turned to face Bucky again. “I know it’s a lot. And I know they were doing god knows what to you back there. You weren’t in good shape when I found you. I don’t mean to pester you about it. But I’m serious when I say I’m not gonna entertain thoughts of what might have happened. You can think them all you want but I don’t wanna hear it.”

Bucky knocked his shoulder against Stevie’s. “Yeah, you’re right.”

—— 

It took longer than expected to find their way back to the Allied base and they lost eight more men on the trip. Time had to be spent finding water and burying the dead and that slowed them down half a day. But Stevie still managed to find Peggy and Howard four days after they had taken over the Hydra base. 

Unfortunately, Peggy and Howard weren’t the only people Stevie found. She squared her shoulders and nodded at Howard, shot Peggy a quick smile. “Some of these men need medical attention.” After the cry for medics was given she turned to Colonel Phillips. “I’d like to surrender myself for disciplinary action.”

Colonel Phillips shook his head. He let out a sigh and turned to glare at Peggy and Howard before his disapproving gaze landed on Stevie. “That won’t be necessary,” he said, finally.

Stevie couldn't hide her grin. “Yes, sir.”

Bucky gave her a little nudge with his elbow and winked. “Let’s hear it for Captain America!” he shouted as Stevie rolled her eyes. 

—— 

“If you’re gonna stay on as ‘Captain America’ then there are a couple of rules you’re gonna have to follow.” Colonel Phillips voice was gruff in the abandoned office. “You’ve got to commit to the act. I couldn’t care less what you’ve got between your legs but there’s lots of people who do care.” He paused and held up a hand in a “stop” gesture. “It _does_ matter what they think about you, considering they fund us. So quit your bellyaching. If it was fine when you were in tights, it’s gonna have to be fine when you’re in your Class Bs. Go find Howard and Peggy. You might as well work with them since I can’t fucking seem to keep the three of you apart.”

Stevie started to leave when he suddenly spoke again. “Oh, and Rogers, or should I call you Mrs. Barnes?” Stevie whirled around. “Yeah, I know about that. You and Barnes have to keep it in your pants. Can’t have Captain America expecting, can we?”

Stevie felt a pain in her heart. “It won’t be a problem, sir. I— well. You can rest assured I can’t get pregnant.”

He nodded brusquely at her and she fled the office. She ran into Lorraine on her way out of the building.

“Hey, Stevie!” she exclaimed. “I heard a rumor you were out here. What are the chances?”

Stevie nodded at her, still shaken by her conversation with Colonel Phillips. “Hi Lorraine. Um, have you seen Pegs anywhere?”

“Yeah, uh... _she’sinmytent_ ,” Lorraine said in a rush.

Stevie’s eyebrows went up as her jaw dropped. “In your tent?” She bit her lip to keep from laughing. “You will have to tell me more later. But for now I’ll go find Bucky.”

“You found your fella?” Lorraine asked with a knowing grin.

“Yeah, and apparently you found a gal good enough, huh?” Stevie still felt nervous and confused about her talk with Phillips, but she was happy two of her friends had found some sort of happiness in the war.

Lorraine just blushed and shoo-ed Stevie away. “Go find your man. You look like you could do with some comfort.” She snorted. “And a fucking shower, Jesus, Stevie.”

They both laughed and Stevie dropped her head. “Yeah, OK. I hear ya. But I guess I need to find you and Pegs and _Howard_ tomorrow.”

“Sure, just drop by.” Lorraine reached out to give Stevie a spine cracking hug. The serum had given her physical strength that was only matched by Stevie’s strength. “And honestly, Stevie, grab a shower while we still have hot water.”

Stevie patted her head, knowing it drove Lorraine crazy, and darted away towards the showers. “Good to know. Tomorrow?” Lorraine nodded and they went their separate ways. 

Bucky was waiting for her in their tent, apparently having taken advantage of the hot water as well. Stevie had her hair braided and had her combat helmet on. She wasn’t happy about the guidelines Colonel Phillips had set but understood why he wanted them. Still, the helmet was heavy and hot with her hair wet.

“Ugh,” she sighed as she laid down on the cot, after stripping down to her undershirt and undies. She snuggled up with Bucky and tangled their legs together. “That hat is hot as balls. I might have to cut my hair.”

Bucky gave her a scandalized look. “But your hair is the only thing about yourself that you’ve always liked.” 

She let out a deep breath. “I know, but I don’t know if I can wear a helmet all the time. And Peggy’s right. I can’t fight with my hair down. And pinning it up takes too much time and effort, plus it might give away the fact that I’m a woman.”

“Are you sure this is what you want to do, Stevie? It seems like a lot you’re gonna have to give up and nobody’s gonna know the real you.”

“Buck, it’s the right thing.” She rolled over and settled her back into his front, grabbing his arm to wrap around her middle. “Plus the people who matter are gonna know it’s me. I don’t care what the general public thinks, as long as you and Pegs approve.”

“Me ‘n _Pegs, huh_? You’ll have to tell me more about her.”

Stevie nodded and yawned. “Yeah, but tomorrow. I’ve finally got some food in my belly and you’re warm and neither of us smell like old socks. Can we just sleep?”

“Sure, doll,” he whispered into her hair. “Love you, Stevie.”

“Love you too, Buck.”

——

The next day, Stevie and Bucky saw Peggy and Howard and Lorraine. Howard gave Stevie a new shield that was a prototype made of “the rarest metal in the world”. Bucky had asked why he made a prototype if it was so rare and he and Howard started to bicker. Lorraine and Peggy had made faces at the men while Stevie giggled at them. After the shouts died down, they discussed uniform ideas and Stevie consented to a haircut. She didn’t know who was more sad, Peggy— who volunteered to do the cut— or herself. 

“It’s just that it’s not my idea,” Stevie confessed after drying her tears. “I know why it needs to be done. But I’m not cutting it because I want to. I’m cutting it because I _need_ too.”

“Darling, I know.” Peggy’s voice was kind as she swept up the inches of hair. “When we’re done here you can grow it down to your arse if you choose.”

Stevie huffed out a little laugh. “Yeah, you’re right. It was just such a big part of me.”

Peggy wrapped her up in a hug. “I know. But personally, I think you look stunning. It really lets you showcase your gorgeous cheekbones.”

Stevie let out a sigh. “I know the whole purpose is to look more like a man—”

Peggy cut her off. “This has nothing to do with your gender. I know we have to pull the wool over the general public’s eye, but it changes nothing about your femininity. Would you think poorly of a man with long hair?” Stevie shook her head. “I know this whole process has changed everything about you, physically,” Peggy continued, “but you’re the same brave, smart, courageous woman inside. Don’t let them take that away from you. And while it’s hardly the main point, I believe Sergeant Barnes is going to like the new look.”

Bucky did seem to like it, if the hot look he gave her after they walked out meant anything. She smiled and ducked her head. “So Howard, about my uniform?”

Howard had plenty of ideas about her uniform. He kept the star and stripes and added practical boots, armor, and enough padding to make falling off a cliff comfortable. He also worked with Bucky, Dum Dum, Jim, Gabe, Dernier, and Monty to make sure they all had uniforms in that they would not only feel comfortable in, but also that would help protect them. Stevie had been able to pick her own unit; Bucky had asked them all the evening after her haircut. Stevie was going to ask the men herself. She wanted to be able to go out as herself instead of “Captain America,” but the one dress of Peggy’s that spanned the breadth of her shoulders, barely covered her crotch. She had blushed at Lorraine’s wolf whistle while Peggy shook her head and whispered something in Lorraine’s ear that made the other woman blush. Stevie was still amazed the men had all agreed to jump back, head first, into the fray.

The week they spent strategizing and testing their uniforms and equipment was one of the most trying weeks of Stevie’s life. She wanted to go out and _fight_ , not pour over a map and _talk_. She understood the need, but she still grew irritable as the days turned into a week. There were things she enjoyed; she liked the weapons training with Peggy and the hand-to-hand combat training she got with Lorraine. And she loved the nights when Bucky explored her new body. It also gave the new men time to work with the four people who had been enhanced. When they found out, Monty had let out a low whistle and muttered "I guess it wasn't something in the water, then." Lorraine winked at him and proceeded to lift a motorcycle.

Finally it was time to leave the base to try and take out the Hydra bases. They loaded up in their transport truck and was amazed to see Lorraine and Peggy.

“They didn’t—”

“Yes, well, we had to be discreet to join the group,” Peggy explained. “Colonel Phillips thought it would be safer with three of us out here. Little does he know, Hydra is in _more_ danger with the three of us." Peggy smirked as Stevie nodded. Hydra should be scared with Peggy and Lorraine in the field. 

Peggy continued, "in addition, the men didn’t exactly do a good job of keeping your “secret” around Phillips. He thought if we were in the group, it would help explain any _indiscretions_ in pronouns.” She have Stevie a lascivious wink. "Plus, Lorraine and I won’t have to sneak around as much out in the field.”

Stevie huffed out a little laugh. “It will be nice to not be surrounded by stinky _men_ all the time,” she admitted.

“Yeah, now we’re equal opportunity stinky!” Dum Dum shouted. “Men and women fighting the good fight and smelling like ass!”

Stevie smiled as her brothers-and-sisters-in-arms cheered.

——

Base after base fell until they had no new leads. Peggy contacted Colonel Phillips and found out that the SSR had intel about where a Dr. Armin Zola might be. Bucky shuddered at the name but got a fierce look on his face. Phillips provided the coordinates and the Commandos took off for what Stevie hoped was one of their last missions. It wasn’t that she was tired of fighting, but she wanted to end the organization that put that haunted look on Bucky’s face.

A few days of hiking and they set up camp in the middle of the snow. Bucky had been more and more withdrawn the closer they got to Zola. Stevie had pulled it out of him, that he was the main _doctor_ who had tortured him in Azzano. Peggy remarked that he wasn’t living up to the Hippocratic Oath if he was running experiments on unwilling subjects. Dum Dum countered with a dry “he’s a Nazi, ain’t he. Don’t see them caring much ‘bout being _humane_.” 

Stevie held Bucky’s hand as tight as she could. 

“OK, Bucky looks like he’s gonna pass out if we look at him too hard and we won’t be able to peel Stevie off him like this,” Lorraine declared when they were ready to bunk down for the night. “Pegs and I’ll take the first watch. The rest of you figure it out. But two people on at a time. Preferably one enhanced per watch.”

The Commandos nodded and Stevie could tell Bucky was out of sorts because he didn’t dispute Lorraine’s claim. 

“C’mon, Buck,” she whispered, leading him to their tent. “Wanna talk about it?”

He shook his head, his eyes blank. Stevie watched him close his eyes and take a few deep breaths. Then, like a switch had been thrown, he looked straight at Stevie, alert and ready.

“Hey, Buck. Love. You can sit this out if it’s too much. I’ve got the best team and I would rather not be worryin’ about you on the train. Nobody will think poorly of you.” Stevie tried to keep the pity out of her voice. By Bucky’s angry look, she knew she hadn’t been successful. 

“I’m not gonna let you—”

“James Buchanan,” Stevie scolded. “Do _not_ get cross with me. You’ve gone to hell and come back. Nobody will think less of you for sitting out a mission to capture the man who tortured you.”

All the fight left him and he opened the flap and crawled into their tent. Stevie let out the breath she had been holding and crawled in after him. He was sprawled out on his sleeping bag and she curled up next to him, taking comfort in his arms. Stevie wrapped her arm around his middle and kissed his cheek. “Love you, Buck,” she said in apology. 

“Love you too, Stevie,” Bucky whispered, accepting her apology. “You’re just so strong and you’ve made all these new friends. I don’t know what you need me for anymore, is all.”

Stevie felt her heart drop. “Bucky, I don’t love you because you were bigger and stronger than me. I never have. You know I can—”

“Get by on your own. Yeah, you’ve made that clear on several occasions,” Bucky grumbled. But Stevie could see the beginning of a smile on his face. 

She nipped at his ear in retaliation. “I love you because you’ve always seen who I am. No matter if I’m scrawny or brawny, you know me for _me_. Plus, you’re funny and smart and have never treated me like your ‘little’ wife.” 

Bucky snorted at that. “You would have killed me and Becca would have helped you get rid of my body,” he said with a little nod.

Stevie snuggled into him more. “You are correct,” she said primly. She felt Bucky huff out a laugh. “I just want the best for you, Buck.”

“I want the same for you, Stevie.” He leaned down and kissed her, soft and chaste. Physical intimacy had been hard to come by when they were in the field so Stevie hoarded the small kisses and caresses like gold. 

“You know, we have an uninterrupted night tonight,” she said with a smirk. “And it’s only been a couple of days since we washed up.”

“Why Stevie, how scintillating,” Bucky drawled. “How can I resist you when it’s _only_ been two days without a proper bath.”

Stevie laughed out loud. “Buck, it was a dip in a fucking freezing river! There hasn’t been a proper bath since we started on this wild chase across Europe.”

Bucky laughed with her and kissed her again, this time with a little more heat. “It would be dumb to not take advantage of the privacy,” he admitted. “I don’t have the energy to—”

“Nothing rough,” Stevie agreed. “I’m not in the mood for that either.”

Bucky nudged at her until she rolled over and was straddling his lap. Stevie bent down to kiss him again and gasped when he nipped at her bottom lip. She rolled her hips in retaliation, causing Bucky to moan. Taking advantage of his parted lips, Stevie licked into Bucky’s mouth. She stroked his tongue with hers, loving the slick heat of their mouths. 

While they kissed, Stevie’s hips were gently grinding into Bucky’s cock. It was nowhere near hard enough for penetration, but Stevie loved feeling it grow under her. Bucky had often teased her for being so fascinated with the organ, but until she got the serum, nothing about her spontaneously grew. 

Bucky reached up and grabbed her ass, kneading the cheeks, never breaking the kiss. His hands ran up her back, soothing the sore muscles. Sleeping in tents, on the ground, across the majority of Europe had been hard on everyone, serum or no. Stevie didn’t notice it much, it was more like a background ache, but when it was gone, she felt lighter in her body. The tent was starting to warm up and Stevie sat up so she could take off her outer gear. 

When she was down to her undershirt, she leaned down to kiss Bucky again. It was slow and tender and Stevie felt the beginning of tears prick her eyes. Breaking the kiss, she licked and sucked small bruises into Bucky’s neck. “I love you,” she whispered into his damp skin. 

“Love you too,” Bucky whispered back, his voice thick with unshed tears. “There’s not much I wouldn’t do to be back home with you.”

Stevie nodded into his neck. “Yeah. But love me here, while you can. We’re almost done with this and we can hole up wherever the SSR is for a week and never leave the bed. We’ve just got to find out where Schmidt is and then we can stop fighting for a while.” 

“C’mon, Stevie,” Bucky murmured. “Wanna feel your skin on mine. Plus the hotter we get, the more unique our odor.” 

Stevie huffed out a little laugh but rolled off him so they could both strip. After shoving their gear into a corner, Stevie lay on her side and Bucky rolled so they were face to face. They traded lazy kisses until Stevie could feel Bucky’s interest poking her hip and she could feel an answering dampness between her legs. Bucky caressed her side, taking a detour to gently stroke and pinch her breasts and nipples. She let out a soft sigh.

Bucky’s touch was light, teasing, in the warm tent and Stevie’s skin felt feverish. She let Bucky grind his erection against her hip until it was sticky with pre-come. She gently pushed him into his back and straddled him again. His hard length rubbed against her folds and she leaned down to capture his mouth with hers.

They teased each other until Stevie was panting. She reached back to grasp Bucky’s cock and wiggled until he slid into her. He let out a small gasp. “So hot, Stevie,” he whispered.

Stevie braced herself on her arms and swiveled her hips after a few seconds, needing friction. Bucky gently thrust his hips in counterpoint. They kept the gentle rhythm for long moments until Bucky reached up to stroke her clitoris. She gasped at the sensation that shot through her body. Her hips sped and she could hear Bucky’s breathing start to falter.

“Close,” he whispered.

“Me too.”

Bucky’s thrusts became erratic as he came and Stevie kissed him through the aftershocks. After his breathing had become a bit more stable, he renewed his efforts, rubbing and thrusting into Stevie until she too came. All the gentle touches and teasing led to an orgasm that felt thick and sweet, like honey. It started at her core and spread through her body until her fingers and toes seemed to tingle with the pleasure. 

A few more lazy rolls of her hips and moved off Bucky, letting him gather her in his arms. He leaned over to kiss her on the nose, each cheek, and finally, a soft kiss on the mouth.

“We just gotta get through Zola and Schmidt,” he said softly.

“Yeah. We can start planning the rest of our lives soon,” Stevie agreed. They cuddled into each other and were almost asleep when, inexplicably, the tent fell down on top of them.

“Fuck!” Bucky shouted, trying to untangle himself from the fabric.

Once they were free, they went about setting the tent back up. “I didn’t hear the wind,” Stevie said.

“Dunno, Stevie. But ever since you got big and saved me, I’ve quit questioning weird shit.”

—— 

They hiked the next day and got to the mountains that they had seen the night before. Stevie thought it might be the Alps but she hadn’t paid much attention. Peggy and Jim were the navigator and scout and they outlined the journey. There was enough trust in the _Howling Commandos_ that they could all blindly follow the direction. They climbed and climbed until it got a little hard to breathe.

“Remember when I made your ride the Cyclone at Coney Island?” Bucky asked as they stared down at the railroad tracks.

Stevie let out a sigh, knowing where he was going with this. “And I threw up?”

Bucky nodded. “Yeah. Jumping on a moving train, at top speed. This isn’t payback, is it?” Peggy let out a snort. 

“Now, why would I do that?” Stevie asked with a poorly concealed grin. Bucky just shook his head and let out a little laugh.

He nudged her shoulder with his and murmured, “Time for an inspirational speech, Captain.”

She looked at everyone. They were all there, following her into battle. She was struck, suddenly, by how much things had changed in her life. Squaring her shoulders, she started speaking. “This is it; this will lead us to Schmidt’s last hideout. It’s also the most dangerous mission we’ve been on.” Stevie winked at Bucky and Peggy. “There’s about a 10 second window. So, strap in, keep your arms inside the ride at all times, and let’s finish this so we can go back to real beds and showers.”

Gabe smiled and shouted “for beds and showers!” and the rest of the group joined in the chant. Finally, Lorraine spotted the train. Stevie grabbed the zipline and spared a brief look to make sure everyone was safe behind her. She landed on the top of the train and crawled to an opening, waiting until everyone was inside before following them. 

Pressing through the Hydra agents, Stevie was pleased to see the Commandos holding their own. She got to the last car and saw Peggy and Bucky embroiled in a fight with a couple of agents. Stevie threw her shield and took out a goon, then Peggy grabbed it on the rebound. Stevie watched in horror as the remaining Hydra agents blasted at Peggy and Bucky. The shield on Peggy’s arm deflected the blast but the force behind the blast knocked them both out of the moving train.

Stevie knocked out the agents and ran to the door. Peggy was already gone but Bucky was holding on to the side of the train. “Bucky! Hang on! Grab my hand!” she shouted as tears started to fall. Then the unthinkable happened; Bucky lost his grip and he fell.

The rest of the day passed in a blur. Lorraine had Zola in a tight hold, her face fierce, while the other Commandos made themselves into a human shield around Stevie. They were able to stop the train and turn all of the prisoners over to the SSR. Stevie was on auto-pilot the entire way, not really noticing as the scenery changed from train, to base, to finally the barracks. She stumbled out of the debriefing session into the streets of whatever town they were in.

There was a building that seemed to be a bar before it was bombed. Stevie rummaged through the debris and found a bottle of whiskey, undamaged by the ravages of war. She sat down and drank, straight from the bottle, until only half of it remained.

It was there that Lorraine found her. “You know that won’t help,” she croaked. “We— well, you know as well as I do that normal alcohol—”

“Yeah, yeah. But what else am I gonna do?” Stevie said scrubbing her hand across her face. 

Lorraine sat down beside her and grabbed the bottle, taking a deep drink. “I dunno. Cry? Scream? Punch things?” She took another deep drink of the amber liquid. “Neither of them would be happy to see us like this.”

Stevie felt tears well up in her eyes. “It’s all my fau—”

“Stevie, don’t you fucking dare. We all knew going into this that something like this could happen. Don’t you dare blame yourself. We both know that they would both consider the sacrifice of their lives, compared to saving thousands, worth it. I hate this; I hate everything about this. But Pegs and I talked about this. We were prepared for losing one of us. It _hurts_ like hell, but it’s not my fault and it’s damn sure not your fault.

“Now, come on. Zola’s squealing like the little pig he is, and I’m ready to take out the last of Hydra.”

——

Everything had gone according to the plan until Schmidt boarded the _Valkyrie_. Chasing after him in a really long car with no roof was yet another thing Stevie had not anticipated. But knew she had to get on that plane.

“I can go with you!” Lorraine shouted as they flew down the runway, Colonel Phillips driving at top speed. “I’m as strong as you are, Stevie!”

Stevie looked back at her and pulled her up slightly to kiss her forehead. “Yeah, but I’m taller! Let me do this, Lorraine. Go and live your life.”

“You self-sacrificing asshole!” Lorraine shouted back. “Go do what you need to do! But come back safe!”

With a nod and a little salute, Stevie gave Lorraine and Phillips one last, small smile, and she jumped out of the car, grabbing the plane and pulling herself inside. Inside she saw small ships outfitted with bombs that had the names of several large cities on them. Vowing to not let them see the light of day, Stevie started running in the direction she hoped was the cockpit. 

She found Schmidt and they fought. Stevie had no thoughts beyond not letting Schmidt win, not letting _Hydra_ win. She figured if Bucky and Peggy could sacrifice themselves to the cause, her life would also be a good trade for innocent lives. Schmidt was screaming about power and how there wasn’t a man who could defeat him.

Stevie threw her shield at him and ripped off her cowl. “But you see, Schmidt, I am not a man.” His jaw dropped and he lost his balance, knocking a blue glowing cube that Stevie had never seen, off a pedestal. The cube started glowing brighter and brighter until Stevie had to cover her eyes. She heard Schmidt scream and felt the plane tilt wildly. Then everything went black.


	3. Everybody's Changing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stevie finds out what happened after the _Valkyrie_ crashed and learns that she may get a happy ending.

The first thing Stevie noticed when she woke up was how cold she was. The second was that she was lying on the floor of the _Valkyrie_. She took stock of herself and was relieved to find that though she had several sore spots from the fight with Schmidt and the crash onto wherever she was, nothing seemed too injured. She rolled over and saw her shield a few feet from where Schmidt had been. A few feet from that was the blue cube, now emitting a soft glow. 

She wasn’t sure where she was, in theory, she should be in the ocean but not being submerged in water meant she probably wasn’t underwater. Unless the ship had some sort of invisible shield. Stevie could see cracks in the plane so water would be rushing in. Stevie was tired and cold and felt like finding a warm place to rest, but she _knew_ Bucky and Peggy would want her to figure out a way to survive. And the way she saw it, the new body Dr. Erskine and Howard Stark had given her should be used for good if it could survive a plane crash. _Even if it couldn’t survive a plane crash,_ she amended. Stevie had been given good health, something that she had never possessed, and plane crash or no, she could and would use her new body to try and do what was right. When she was small, she had pushed herself to the limit and she wouldn’t let the fact that she no longer struggled change her fight for good. _Get up_ she thought. 

Taking a deep breath that caused her ribs to twinge— maybe she wasn’t as uninjured as she thought--she sat up and looked out the front of the plane; all she could see was white. “Let’s see what this brings us,” she said to herself, getting up. She searched the cockpit— _bridge,_ she corrected, _it’s too big for a cockpit_. She searched the _bridge_ for signs of a door, of a window, even a crack in the wall, something she could pry open, anything that would let her get out of the plane. After a few minutes, she found a door hidden by some debris. She looked around at the bridge, covered in torn metal and glass, amazed that she was relatively uninjured. “That must have happened with the crash,” she muttered. “How am I not spread across the plane?” she wondered. She pushed the door open and looked at her new surroundings. 

Talking to herself when no one else was around had always been something Bucky had teased her for. He seemed to have a special sense about it, always coming in on the tail end of the conversations with herself. She took a shaky breath, remembering her last moments with Bucky. “No, you’ve got to stay strong, Stevie,” she whispered. “I’m alive and he and Pegs aren’t, and I don’t know why that’s the case, but apparently it is. And neither of them would want me to rot out here. So I need to figure out where I am and where I need to be.”

Her little pep talk did little to boost her morale, but at least she was speaking the truth. She grabbed her shield and walked out of the plane, hesitantly breathing. She wasn’t sure if she was going to die as soon as she took a deep breath; she didn’t know much about where she was. From the cracks in the _Valkyrie_ she assumed she could breathe in the new atmosphere, But if there was anything she was good at, “it’s running into situations half-cocked,” she said wryly as she gingerly made her way down the body of the _Valkyrie_. Stevie let out a big sigh of relief when she reached the ground and it was solid.

She could see a little tunnel to her left. Instead of immediately running through it, she thought about what Peggy would suggest. “A tour around the plane it is,” she muttered. “Thanks, Pegs.” The ground crunched under her feet, reminding her of the cold winters in New York, with snow and ice on the ground. She looked up to see where the plane had crashed through and was a little shocked to see the _ceiling?_ was unbroken. _Maybe I can’t see it because it’s on the other side._

There was nothing she noticed as she made her way around the exterior of the _Valkyrie_. “Just more ice.” But no apparent point of entry. "Did the cube bring me here?" she asked herself. Her voice echoed in the void, and as she made her way to the tunnel she reached out to see how cold the walls were.

 _Pretty fucking cold,_ she thought. Then she let out a singular “ha”. She snorted and muttered “what exactly did I think it would feel like?” Bucky would have rolled his eyes and smirked, asking “aren’t you supposed to be smarter than me?” Stevie smiled, a small sad smile, and took a deep breath, bracing in the cold. She followed the tunnel which opened up into a cavern that, to her surprise, wasn’t empty.

“This looks like the SSR,” she whispered as she saw the left wall covered in devices with units of measurements she had never seen before. The faces were set into the wall so they were flat against the ice. It seemed seamless, like they had been grown in the ice instead is placed. She walked up to the wall and scanned it. “Well, definitely not English,” Stevie muttered. “Wonder if it’s something from Earth or if I'm somewhere else.” 

_You are in the middle of a hunk of ice,_ her mind supplied. _Who knows where that blue cube sent you._ After she had looked her fill at the instruments and meters, she turned around to look at the rest of the room. It seemed like some sort of observation area, there was a desk _that seemed to be made of ice?_ her mind wondered. They looked well used. Deciding there wasn’t anything else worth exploring, she went back to the wall of dials and followed the tunnel that was set in the far left corner. 

That tunnel led to what she imagined was a living quarter. It had a pallet that was covered in blankets, and felt like it was made of ice; she assumed it was for sleep. There was a kitchen area with something that looked _like_ a stove, but only if Stevie’s stove had been upgraded by Howard, also made of ice. But she could see some dials and thought, given time, she would figure out how to cook something.

“Assuming there’s anything edible,” she grumbled. “With my luck, I’m gonna have everything to survive, except food and water.”

She shook her head and went to the tunnel that was by the sleeping pallet. In it there was an area to relieve herself and what looked like a shower on one wall. On the other, there was an assortment of jumpsuits. _Fingers crossed one will fit me. Don’t really want to spend more time in this dirty Cap suit,_ she thought, sniffing to see if she had developed an odor.

Wanting to know more about the space she was in, she went back to the living area and took the second tunnel out of the room, that was by the kitchen. When she got to that room, she stopped in her tracks. 

There was row upon row of shimmering… _books?_ she wondered. _If I touch one am I going to end up on a fire planet?_ Deciding her best course of action was to look as closely as possible, she scanned the rows of shimmering rectangles. “They’re not really books, are they?” she asked the empty room. “Well, I need to see everything I can before I go head first into trouble.” Her breathing stuttered as thoughts of Bucky saying those exact words filled her head.

She followed the tunnel she hadn’t already walked through out of the strange room and ended up back at the _Valkyrie_. “I don’t remember this tunnel from the lap around the plane.” Her voice was high and reedy. She saw the first tunnel and decided to follow it back to the living area, hoping she would find food and wanting to rest.

——

There was food. Well, someone’s idea of food, anyway. It was fairly bland and had both the color and texture of overcooked oatmeal, but it was warm and filling. Stevie had easily been able to figure out the “stove” and happily there had been a pantry full of packages of the mush. There was also something potable to drink that was cool on her throat. 

The first night Stevie had eaten and drank the strange food and liquid, she went to bed unsure if she would wake up the next morning. But after a surprisingly good sleep on the pallet, she woke up rested and hungry again. She relieved herself in the toilet, _Jesus, why is_ everything _made of ice_ , she cursed as she sat. Then she went through the jumpsuits and found a couple that seemed long enough. 

To Stevie’s shock, the shower was warm when she stepped in it. It wasn’t anything like a shower Stevie had had in her and Buck’s tenament; water seemed to float around her body, caressing her gently. She snorted. “I could have a lot of fun with this if I’m stuck here too long,” she said. After a minute or two, the shower must have decided she was clean enough because it quit and she stood there shivering until warm air dried her off.

 _Wonder if Howard could invent something that bathed you,_ she thought with a small smile. Thankfully one of the jumpsuits she had picked out _did_ fit and she hung her Captain America uniform up where the jumpsuit had been. The jumpsuit was black and dark green and, like the shower, altered itself. When she had first put it on, it was a little short in the sleeves, a little tight in the bust, and a little broad in the shoulders. After a few seconds, it seemed tailor made. She shrugged and went back into her living space to eat. To her surprise, the jumpsuit kept all of the cold out. She was able to comfortably sit on chairs and even her pallet, which wasn’t as cold as everything else, felt warm and cozy when she was wearing the new suit.

The afternoon was spent trying to figure out the mysterious dials in the first room. She didn’t manage to make any sense of them and by the end of the day, her head hurt a little from squinting at the foreign language. Another serving of the mush for dinner and she settled back into her bed.

——

Days passed in the same manner before Stevie felt curious enough to explore the room with the shimmering books. Without knowing what they were, much less what their proper name was, she kept calling them books. 

“I mean I’m stuck here, so even if something happens, it’s not like anybody’s gonna miss me,” she reasoned to herself. _Plus Bucky and Pegs are gone so there’s nobody waiting for me at home_. She was still hesitant to pick up the first book. When she did, everything seemed to ripple.

Her vision went black for a moment and then she was watching herself tell her ma about her first _monthly_ visitor.

“Ma, I just don’t understand why I have to stay in,” young Stevie whined in their small apartment. It was drafty and cold and there was never enough hot water to finish washing the dishes, but it was clean and well loved. Their beds were small and lumpy but Stevie and her ma were both small so they always had enough room. Plus sharing a room saved on rent.

“Stephanie, your body is changing. I know you wish you could be more like Bucky and get dirty and play but you’re a girl. Well, you’re turning into a woman. You’ve got to accept that and start acting like you understand a little about the world. Now I’m not saying it’s right—” she held out a hand to stop Stevie from interrupting— “but unfortunately it’s the way of the world. And things are going to be hard enough without you trying to change society.”

Stevie on the ice planet pulled herself out of the memory. She felt tears prick her eyes as she let herself miss her ma. Life had always been hard for the two of them. Sarah was widowed soon after Stevie was born and it made things difficult, not having a man in the house. But Stevie knew she was loved. And she knew that even though her worth to society was defined by the type of man she could marry and how many children she could produce, her ma never made her feel that way.

Feeling bold, she reached out to touch another book, several feet from the first one.

Bucky was teaching her to dance in their small kitchen. Well, _teaching_ wasn’t exactly the right word. Stevie chuckled at the scene, knowing what was to come.

“Stevie, I swear on everything that’s holy, if you step on my foot one more time, I’m gonna stop. I know you’re doin’ it on purpose.” Bucky’s voice held the usual fond exasperation that he defaulted to when Stevie was teasing him.

Stevie smirked at him. “It’s you who’s wanting to teach me to dance. I told you from the start that this wasn’t a good idea.” She nudged his foot with hers, as if to prove her point.

“I just wanna go dancin’ with ya, baby.”

“Who says I want to dance with you, Bucky Barnes?” Stevie teased. 

He twirled her around and danced with her until she backed up and was against the wall. “Why Stevie Grace, I think you like my moves.” Bucky leaned down to nibble at her neck. “I think you like my moves a lot,” he murmured and captured her mouth in a kiss. He grabbed her under the ass and hoisted her up so her legs were around his waist. They fumbled and kissed and laughed until they reached the bedroom.

Stevie pulled herself out of the memory, not wanting to see what else had happened that lazy afternoon. Seeing Bucky’s face, hearing his laugh was as much as she could stand. Her cheeks were wet and she rubbed her eyes, wiping away the tears. 

“One more,” she whispered. Picking a book at random, she was taken to SSR HQ in Europe.

Lorraine and Howard were having a drinking contest. Stevie was glad to be in a moment that didn’t have the emotional punch of the last flashback.

“You’re just a little slip of a girl,” Howard said with a smirk. “There’s no way you can drink more than me without dying.”

Jiim muttered “your funeral,” as Gabe cackled in the corner. Stevie-in-the-past had a big grin on her face and Stevie-in-the-present felt an answering smile on her face. 

Peggy had been the one to suggest the small party. It was a few days into training with the Commandos and they were all tired and cranky. Colonel Phillips still wasn’t totally convinced that Dr. Erskine and Peggy’s pick for the serum were the right people to be enhanced, much less that they were going to be the star team of the SSR but Stevie had insisted. With Peggy, Bucky, and Howard at her back, he couldn’t refuse an integrated squad.

That didn’t mean he made life easy. So Peggy let her hair down, Howard scrounged up a bottle of hooch from god knows where, and they were all on their way to being silly drunk. Well, _some_ of them were on their way. Stevie knew her metabolism was crazy fast so alcohol didn’t bother her. And she assumed Lorraine was similarly affected by the way she was tossing back shots.

After a quick five in a row, she held the glass out to Howard. “Your turn, Stark,” she said, licking her lips. 

“Hold on, darling.” Peggy walked up to the table Howard and Lorraine were at and grabbed the glass, filling it to the top before throwing back the shot. She filled a second glass and after it, leaned down to give Lorraine a big kiss. 

Howard stared at the women in shock while the rest of the room cheered and whistled. Peggy winked at Howard, turned on a heel, and walked back to where Stevie and Bucky were standing.

“He doesn't have a chance, does he?” she asked the couple. Stevie bit back laughter as she shook her head.

Stevie pulled herself out of the memory, remembering how drunk Howard had gotten; Gabe and Jim had to carry him back to his bunk. Howard had spectacularly lost the bet and Lorraine never let him forget it. In the midst of the cold, horrible conditions, going from Hydra base to base, she would just _innocently_ say “shots, Howard?” which never failed to put a smile on Stevie’s face.

 _Fuck, I miss them_. Stevie let herself feel sad for a few minutes. But it was close to dinner, or at least she was hungry. There was no way to measure how much time she spent in the rooms, so when she felt hungry she ate and when she felt tired she slept. She made her way to the kitchen. “Lots different than _our_ kitchen,” she said sadly. “Bucky would lose his mind if he saw where I was.” Then she let out a small laugh. “Well, he would be disappointed in the lack of aliens with heaving bosoms,” she amended. 

Dinner was a quiet affair and she let the shower clean her and stumbled into bed. Seeing her ma and Bucky and her friends had exhausted her and she drifted off into a sound sleep.

——

It was mid-day before she had the courage to go back and look at the books. This time she chose one in the middle of the room. Letting herself go limp she surrendered to the memory.

“How was it?” Bucky asked.

Stevie saw herself with red eyes, in a black dress. _Perfect. Ma’s funeral. Nothing heartbreaking about that_ she thought to herself.

“It was OK. She’s next to Dad,” Stevie-in-the-past answered.

“I was gonna ask—” 

“I know what you’re gonna say, Buck. I just…” she trailed off. “I’m not marryin’ you just because my ma died. I can get by on my own.”

“Stephanie Grace Rogers, I want to marry you because I love you, you idiot. I know you can get by on your own. I’m just sayin’ you don’t have to. You’re it for me, Stevie. You’re the end of the line.”

Stevie-on-the-ice-planet didn’t let herself breathe before deciding to grab another book. The day she had just relived was one of the happiest and saddest of her 20 some-odd years. She and Bucky had gotten married a week after Stevie buried her ma. But it was too much, she needed something else to think about. She jumped a few inches to the right and let herself fall into another memory.

This time she was back in London at the SSR training base. She winced as she landed on her back. “Fuck, that hurt,” she whispered as she remembered losing her breath. 

“Again, Stevie,” Lorraine said. “We’ve got to do this until you can do it in your sleep.” _This_ was disarming an opponent with one arm. So far, Stevie had landed on her back, on her ass, on her front, and Lorraine was still holding the rubber training gun.

“Don’t see why I have to keep my arm tied up,” she grumbled as she got up. 

“You’re gonna drop your shield in the middle of a fight?” Lorraine asked with raised brows.

“Maybe,” Stevie groaned. 

“Then you will be equipping the enemy with a rare weapon,” Peggy said as she walked in. “We’re not insisting on training as a form of entertainment, Stevie.”

Stevie shook her head. “I know.” She looked at Lorraine who had a fond smile on her face and Peggy who looked stern. “I _know_ , Pegs. I know why we’re doing this. It’s just harder than I thought.”

“You can’t rely on just brute strength,” Lorraine said kindly. “You’ve got to be stronger and smarter than Hydra.”

“I know,” Stevie said again. “And I appreciate what you’re doing.” Lorraine laughed. “Yeah, yeah, you’re kicking my ass from here to the Pacific front. But I know you’re doing it from a place of love.” Peggy joined in on the laughter at that.

When Stevie was back in the room of books, she had a small smile on her face. It was hard seeing Peggy and Lorraine laughing, knowing Stevie had failed them. But it was wonderful to see them both in a happier time. Stevie had never had close friends, and to have found two in Lorraine and Peggy seemed like a miracle. 

“I’m sorry I lost you, Pegs,” Stevie whispered as she inched her way down the row of books to choose another. Moving to the right she was taken back to Brooklyn.

“Yeah you piece of shit! We don’t need your kind ‘round here!” an angry voice shouted. Stevie rolled her eyes remembering this scuffle. 

“I belong here as much as you do,” a second voice called out.

Stevie watched her smaller self round the corner, at the time not sure what she was walking in on. Bucky sighed as he grabbed her arm to slow her down. When past-Stevie got to the alley, she saw a tall person in a dress being harassed.

“Here to help me out?” the drunk man asked when he saw Bucky. “‘S unnatural.” He turned back to his victim. “You’re a fucking freak! Go put a pair of pants on.”

For once, Bucky moved before Stevie could. A solid punch to the man’s jaw had him down on the ground. Stevie rushed to help the other person.

“I’m Stevie. Are you OK? Do you need anything?” she asked, anxious.

“I’m Rose. And I could have taken care of him myself, you know.” 

Bucky shook out his hand and held it out for Rose to shake. “Ma’am” — he raised his eyebrows to make sure he was correct in thinking she was a ma’am. At Rose’s nod he continued— “Rose, way I see it, I’m a lot less likely to get into trouble for knocking out a drunk. We live over in Red Hook and people there don’t really care so much about who you love or what you wear.”

Rose had a small smile on her face. Her voice became deeper.“Be that as it may, I’m no damsel-in-distress.”

“We didn’t think you were!” Stevie squeaked out. “We just want to help.”

Letting her voice return to its normal range she said, “I appreciate that. If it’s all the same to you, I’ll be on my way.”

Stevie nodded. “Sure, of course. Have a good night!”

Stevie pulled out of the memory, angry again at the nameless drunk. Who was he to judge a person on what they wore? Stevie knew about the drag balls and knew a boy who had to bind his breasts to fit in. There were so many ways to be a person and Stevie thought if Rose said she was a she, who were they to disagree. She knew a lot of people didn’t agree, but those people were idiots. 

Shaking off her indignation at people who didn’t like people who were “different,” she picked another book. Since she had gone to the left so she was taken back to Ft. Lehigh.

It was night and she was asleep, moaning a little. She saw sweat start to gather on past-Stevie’s brow. Not exactly sure why, she reached to wipe it off. Shocked at the contact, she pulled herself out of the memory.

“I remember those dreams,” she said in awe. “I remember dreaming about being big and being _here_. What else can I do?”

Realizing things must be in chronological order, she moved a little to the right again. She saw herself in the ridiculous Captain America uniform the USO people had insisted she wear. “Bad idea, Stevie,” she whispered as she saw herself sit on the stump that she now knew was going to break. She couldn't keep in a small laugh at seeing herself fall.

“Fuck this,” Stevie-in-Italy grumbled. “I’ll sit on the damned stairs.” Both Stevies looked as they heard out the clack of heels. Past-Stevie let out a sigh as current-Stevie moved closer.

“At ease,” Peggy said. “No one here but friends, Stevie darling.”

Past-Stevie whirled her head around, shock evident on her face. “But— you’re— “

“Yes, well, we’re here now.” Past-Stevie jumped to her feet and current-Stevie edged closer, wanting to see if this was why she had stumbled. She gently nudged past-Stevie, causing her to fall into Peggy’s arms. _Thank Christ that wasn't a swoon_ she thought as she watched her past-self with wonder.

“It’s so good to see you, Pegs,” past-Stevie said as current-Stevie’s mind whirled. 

“I can move things,” she whispered. She let go of the book and was back on the ice planet with too many thoughts in her head. _Can I move things in every memory?_ The very beginnings of a plan started to form as she moved a couple of inches from where she thought the memory of training with Lorraine had been. She reached out a touched the book.

Stevie and Bucky were in a tent in Austria. Current-Stevie remembered this night. This was their last night. She also remembered what had happened after they had had sex.

“Here goes nothing,” she said as she moved to push the tent down.

She remembered the shrieks as she heard them from the outside. She jerked herself back onto the ice planet. Shaking, she touched the next book, hoping against hope that it was the right time; ready to do whatever she could to change the past. 

“I had ‘im on the ropes,” Bucky was telling past-Stevie. Current-Stevie moved to her past self and _shoved_. She felt her past self knock Peggy out of the way and take the blast from Hydra’s weapon on the shield. Stevie watched as she suddenly had a new memory of falling, of the love in her heart for her husband and closest friend. Stevie felt both selves fall and grow cold.

 _Guess the jumpsuit doesn’t keep me warm out here,_ she thought as everything went black.

——

Stevie heard a ringing and couldn’t move her arms. She heard shouts and let herself drift back into the black.

——

“Peggy, Bucky, I think you’re both gonna wanna see what’s happening,” Howard’s voice rang out. 

Stevie opened her eyes to stare at him.

“Hey there, Stevie. You had quite a fall.” Howard’s voice was gentle; it was the first time Stevie had ever heard him sound subdued.

“Buck…” she croaked out of a sore throat. “Pegs. They’re safe?”

He nodded as Bucky and Peggy entered the room.

“Darling, we’re here,” Peggy said as she took Stevie’s right hand. "We thought we had lost you."

“Never pull a stunt like that again, Stevie. I thought you were a goner,” Bucky said, his face white. He reached out and took Stevie’s left hand.

“Can’t promise that. Had to save you ‘n Pegs,” she whispered as she smiled. “Just glad to be back.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading! This is a hugely personal story to me because it explores all the different ways to be a woman. From Stevie's transformation from delicate flower, to (she's Gwendoline Christie in my head, lbr) hulking Amazon, to learning about the spectrum of sexuality and gender, there's so much a person can be and identify as a woman. 
> 
> I hope it read true and if I fucked anything up, please let me know! You can find me on [Tumblr](https://pineau-noir.tumblr.com/) and as Pineau_noir on [Pillowfort](https://www.pillowfort.social/Pineau_noir), and [Dreamwidth](https://pineau-noir.dreamwidth.org/). I'm...uh kinda active on them?
> 
> And a HUGE thanks again to [Esaael](https://esaael.tumblr.com) for inspiring me so much with her art and BONUS ART!!! Stevie and Bucky dancing was made specifically for this fic and it takes my breath away. ❤
> 
> The title of the fic is from Hozier's _Shrike_ because his new album has basically been the soundtrack of my life for this bang. Chapter 1 is Sam Cooke, Chapter 2 Bob Dylan, and Chapter 3 is Keane.


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